Aditi Debnath for "Here& Now". >> The concentric circles of
trauma resulting from this week's shooting are most acute
at the center for victims and Loved ones. Then for the school
community, the city, the region, and the state. As people try to
reconcile the horrible violence. But how to do that? Here to help
Aaron Neill, a Madison psychotherapist specializing in
trauma. And thanks very much for being here.
me. and loved ones of those killed
experiencing right now? And how do they ever move through that?
>> Yeah, I think it can be a little bit different for
everyone. Like you said, the people that are closest to it
are going to have the most trouble right now. I think just
allowing all feelings. Right. Like there's probably grief loss
for the loss of their friends and classmates. There's
confusion, anger, lots of lots of emotions, trauma wise. You
know, sometimes kids have nightmares. They can like, kind
of remember the scene that they saw if they were there. And
yeah, just also any experience they had, like having to leave
the classroom quickly. Right. And all of that. So just kind of
kind of maybe reliving that, thinking about it more and maybe
worrying about what happens next or, you know, going back to
school eventually. So, yeah, for sure.
>> So as to that school community, it's small.
>> It's really tight knit. How does a group of people so close
move through it themselves? >> Yeah, I think actually that's
an advantage for them. Having that support of each other.
Right. That they already are such a community. They know each
other. They lean on each other. So how do they move through it?
Like, yeah, being there for each other, having memorials, things
that make meaning out of the tragedy. And then the greater
Madison community in Wisconsin, community also, Will wants to
support them. You know, and so figuring out how how to get that
help to them too. >> So there is this kind of
collective heartache for all of us. How are people to reconcile
this in the midst of what should be a warm and loving holiday
season? >> That is a really good
question. Yeah, I mean, I don't know that there's a good answer
for that right now. I think, again, like I said, I want I
hope that people can let themselves feel how they feel,
grief. As humans, we don't love to feel uncomfortable. We don't
love feeling grief, but it's okay to feel that right now and
then. Yeah, I think I see a lot of people really trying to
figure out how do I make meaning, how do I honor the
victims, how do I help the community? You know, whether
it's providing meals or church services, things like that that
have happened and will continue. >> How should parents talk about
this with their children? If at all?
>> I think you need to see where your child's at. Obviously,
parents should know their kids the best. So I wouldn't I would
say kids let kids lead the conversation. Let them bring it
up. You know, check in with the, see how they're doing. But yeah,
I think in then notice. Right. Like, is there sleep different.
Are they eating different. Are they, you know, is their play
different for younger kids right. Or teenagers. More with
when you notice that. Ask them how are they doing. You know and
then explain things in a developmentally appropriate way.
Right. Like it's also okay to share your feelings, right? To
say like this is scary. This is confusing. I do feel emotions,
but parents need to keep control of their emotions too, right?
Because if you feel if you're out of control, if you're like
sobbing and weeping and things, that's going to be hard for the
kids. They might feel like they have to take care of you. So I
think it's adults taking care of themselves as well, leaning on a
partner or friends, and then sharing appropriate amounts of
emotion with kids so that they can help share calm with kids
too, and help them feel safe again.
>> How likely is it that the loss of a feeling of being safe
at school, any school, touches families everywhere?
>> Yeah, I think that touches families everywhere. I think you
can see that when you're online and you know, I'm a parent, I
have most of my friends are parents. Like, we all this week
then felt like, how do we drop our kids off at school the next
day? How do we. Yeah, so I think it reaches everybody. That
feeling of are we safe? >> What to do about that?
Anything. >> It's tough. Yes. I think, you
know, we have to, you know, contextualize it. It is a random
event. And so that's hard to say. Like this isn't going to
happen here. Right. But it's unlikely that it's going to
happen. And we do things to keep ourselves safe. We remind
ourselves that we're safe in this moment. You use things like
grounding skills where you tap into your senses and say, okay,
I'm here in this moment, I see, you know, a green tree, a green,
you know, like kind of looking for things that are here in the
present and knowing that you're safe here. So, yeah.
>> All right. Erin Neill, thanks >> All right. Erin Neill, thanks