9DCU0301HD_Directors_Cut_Studio_Transcript

 OH.  [ CHUCKLES ] MILWAUKEE, HUH? I LOVE MINNESOTA.  HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY IMPROVISATIONAL SKETCH COMEDY? YES, MA'AM, I WAS IN A GROUP CALLED "BARRON'S BARRACUDAS" BACK EAST.  I WAS WITH THEM UP UNTIL I MOVED OUT HERE LAST FALL.  DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE MY TAPE? OH, I SAW IT ALL RIGHT.  AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY STUPID.  EITHER THAT OR I DIDN'T GET IT.  OH, UM, WELL, I-I WAS TRYING TO MOCK THE CONVENTIONS OF MAGIC AND -- STOP.  LISTEN.  DON'T MOCK.  DO FUNNY.  OKAY.  WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU DONE? [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] WELL, UH, I JUST DID MY FIRST COMMERCIAL.  NO.  DON'T EVER DO COMMERCIALS.  GOD! HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU YOU LOOK A LOT LIKE JAY LENO? OR A SICKLY CHRIS PENN? UH, WELL, UH, USUALLY I GET "TOM CRUISE. " [ CHUCKLES ] NO.  MAYBE A HOMELY MEL GIBSON OR A YOUNG BEA ARTHUR.  YOU DO KNOW THAT YOU'RE WHITE, RIGHT? UH. . . 

YES.  WELL, YOU DO KNOW THAT, COMEDIC ALLY SPEAKING WHITE IS OUT AND BLACK IS IN, RIGHT? NO, I -- I -- I-I DIDN'T. . .  HETERO? YEAH.  ALSO OUT.  MAKES YOU A DOUBLE OUT.  [ LAUGHS ] TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT FAT OR BALD OR. . .  YOU ARE JOWLY. . .  WHICH IS GOOD.  BUT NOT SO JOWLY IN SUCH A WAY THAT SCREAMS "I AM A FUNNY PERSON! BRRBRRBRR!" [ LAUGHING ] You're what I call "pleasantly unattractive. " I love it.  A clip from "Chump Change. " I'm Charles Monroe-Kane, and this is Director's Cut.  "Chump Change" was written, directed, and starring Steve Burrows, so Steve, you consider yourself "pleasantly unattractive?" I've been told by several casting directors that that is indeed the truth.  I actually made a living for the first ten years of my life out in LA as a pleasantly unattractive young Bea Arthur.  So you're hope for us in the Midwest, an unattractive male in the Midwest. 

 You know what, I'm giving it my best shot.  Thank you very much, I appreciate it.  Real quick, you're the writer, director, producer, you've been out in LA a lot.  Pitch me, one minute.  What's "Chump Change" about? One minute.  Um, it's a movie about a movie about a movie, basically.  I wrote a movie for 20th Century Fox called "Hook and Ladder," it was a volunteer fireman movie, and I hadn't planned on writing that movie, but I went in with my best ideas and the guy poo-pooed every one of 'em.  He literally. . .  ( raspberry ) He would do that.  I would say, I've got this idea about this one guy, he's going through a life crisis and he's just divorced - "Thpbt, next!" This guy would actually do that "thpbt. " So I go, okay, and I was told that I would have to go through a lot of ideas.  And I went through my B ideas and my C ideas, and he's like, "Come on, man.  All this stuff sucks, give me something. " He goes, "I want 'Police Academy. ' I want something like 'Police Academy. '" My father-in-law, at the time was a volunteer fireman, and if you knew him, that was sort of funny, because you couldn't imagine him actually doing anything, putting out a fire himself.  "What about volunteer fireman?" He goes, "That's it!" And that was it.  So I went home, there was a message on my machine about, my agent said, "You just sold a major motion picture called 'Hook and Ladder. '" It had a title. 

 I had no characters.  I had no stories.  And I wrote the movie over a summer, and it was without question the single worst professional experience of my life.  So I decided to make that, the writing of that movie, a movie.  And that's what "Chump Change" is.  That's a good idea.  Of course, like any other great American movie, this is a great American movie, it starts in a set with "Wheel of Fortune. " How does "Wheel of Fortune" come into your story? Well, when I first went to LA with my wife about 20 years ago, we had no money, and just trying to figure out how to make a buck.  And I saw, you could go on game shows out there, and I thought, well, I'm not gonna actually qualify for "Jeopardy," clearly.  Fair enough.  So I thought, I had this prejudice that maybe "Wheel of Fortune" was for, like, morons.  And I thought, seems like I could win a lot of cash, or exciting merchandise.  So I audition for the show, I get right on.  And I proceed to become the worst contestant in the history of the show.  To this day, I am the worst contestant, considered to be the worst contestant ever.  I bought five consecutive vowels and could not solve the puzzle.  I was on two shows, I was the person they invited back for a second show and couldn't, 'cause the other two players tied, so they felt pity on me, they brought me back, and then I won so little money at the end that they had to lower the price of the lowest-priced item so I could go shopping.  Well, let's see your fictional representation of the nonfiction of "Wheel of Fortune," so let's roll another clip.  [ SIGHS DEEPLY ] YOU WANT THE "WHEEL" SPIEL? ALL RIGHT.  HERE'S THE CliffNotes VERSION.  BUT MUM'S THE WORD. 

 I COULD GO BACK TO THE HOOSEGOW FOR THIS.  ALL RIGHT.  THINGS WEREN'T GOING WELL SO I HAD THIS COCKAMAMIE SCHEME TO WRITE A SCRIPT MAIL IT TO AN AGENT, AND FAKE MY DEATH -- BECAUSE I'M AHEAD OF MY TIME, AND IF I'M DEAD, IT'S MORE LIKELY TO SELL BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  ANYHOW, I NEED TO FINANCE MY FAKE DEATH SO I AUDITION FOR THE "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" SO I CAN WIN LARGE AMOUNTS OF CASH AND/OR FABULOUSLY EXCITING MERCHANDISE, RIGHT? BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! SO I GET ON THE SHOW BY TELLING 'EM. . .  MY NAME'S MILWAUKEE STEVE TOE AND I'M A HOMEMAKER IN HOLLYWOOD.  [ CHUCKLES ] AND THEN I PROCEED TO GO DOWN LIKE THE HINDENBURG.  BIG MONEY, BABY.  BRING IT ON! [ Chuckling ] OH, MY GOD.  WHAT HAPPENED? WELL, SUFFICE IT TO SAY I WAS THE FIRST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW TO BUY FIVE CONSECUTIVE VOWELS AND STILL NOT BE ABLE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE.  I'D WON SO LITTLE MONEY THEY HAD TO LOWER THE PRICE OF THE LOWEST-PRICED ITEM JUST SO I COULD GO SHOPPING.  AND THEN ALL I COULD AFFORD WERE ROLLER SKATES.  I WAS ALSO THE FIRST CONTESTANT TO CURSE THE HOST ON THE AIR.  [ INHALES SHARPLY ] WHAT DID YOU SAY? Steve: I'D RUN OUT OF VOWELS TO BUY, SO I TRIED TO INVOKE THE "SOMETIMES 'Y'" CLAUSE.  "I'D LIKE TO BUY A 'Y,' PLEASE. " BUT THE HOST SAYS, "I'M SORRY, BUT 'Y' IS NOT A VOWEL. " AND I SAY, "I'M SORRY, BUT SOMETIMES IT IS. " AND HE SAYS, "NOT ON THIS SHOW, BUCKO. " SO I SAY, "WHATEVER, ---HOLE!" [ CHUCKLES ] YOU USED THE BROWN WORD? I WAS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.  Oh my God, that is the funniest clip ever. 

 So how much of this is true? Sadly, I would say probably 80% of the movie is true.  And the rest is embellishment, but the general nugget of truth is all there.  Wow.  So you really went on the "Wheel of Fortune," you really bombed, you really wrote a screenplay called "Hook and Ladder" that didn't work out.  That's correct, yeah.  It's brilliant.  Was sued by Merv Griffin just as a matter of fact.  You were sued by Merv Griffin? That's awesome.  Who's done that before? I've never been sued by Merv Griffin.  It's not gonna happen anymore, he's passed away, may he rest in peace, but that gives us hope because the short film he made, "Soldier of Fortune. " I want to hear about "Soldier of Fortune. " So tell me about "Soldier of Fortune. " It's the actual show, it's me on the show, the real show, I took real clips of me failing miserably on the show, intercut it with new clips, and it did very well at the film festivals.  And I think we won 29 film festivals, then I got a letter from Merv Griffin saying, "No. " Cease and desist, my friend.  But that actually ended up getting me the movie deal over at Fox.  Which led to "Chump Change," which led to my demise again.  Anyway.  There you go, I love it, it's an LA story.  Now, interesting, this is all set, this all happened to you in LA, but you're from here, you're Milwaukee Steve! That's right.  Milwaukee boy. 

 What is the role of Wisconsin in this film, because in that last scene, you can see at a drive-in movie theater, and it cuts back.  What's the role of Milwaukee in "Chump Change"? Well, the general view, I worked with this great cinematographer named Al Baker, and he really loved the opportunity to be able to shoot, 'cause we've seen LA millions of times, and it's obviously a very warm place, and sunny, but it's a pretty cold, brutal place.  And I hadn't really seen anything shot of Milwaukee, certainly in the snow, where we could actually give it sort of that home fire kind of thing.  It was really sort of the heart of the movie.  We wanted to show that LA, cold, brutal, but warm weather-wise, Wisconsin, freezing cold but actually the true warmth of humanity is there.  So when you brought all these big LA people out, you've got some pretty famous names filming here, what was it like for them? I'm sure a lot of people had never been to Wisconsin before, did you take them to your local haunts? We shot everything, we did everything, we went bowling.  We did a lot of partaking in the local beverages.  Excellent.  They must've loved it.  They loved it, except for the week that we shot, it was 22 inches of snow, but it was also minus-5 degree weather.  Some of these guys, like Jerry Stiller, Anne Meara, Fred Willard, in particular, had never really felt that kind of brutality with the weather before.  I'm not sure they'll come back in January.  I'm sure they won't.  But they had a great time.  One thing you do in the film, which I just love, and talk about a Midwestern boy doing something, is not only do you reference the chicken dance, but you play the entire chicken dance in the film.  We get that, and I just love it.  When you showed it to your friends in LA, not professionals, just friends, they don't know what the hell the chicken dance is.  It must've blown their minds.  They're actually convinced that we're all intoxicated, and some of us were, I wasn't, but that scene is filmed with family and friends, and friends of friends, and actually the musician there, his name is Steve Meisner.  He's actually, he's sort of the Mozart of polka.  And I asked him to be in it because he's really the best at what he does. 

 And I said, "Do you mind playing the chicken?" And he said, "I'm not gonna play the chicken.  I don't play the chicken.  I'm an artist. " I said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but the gig is actually the chicken, we gotta do the chicken. " And he said, "I don't wanna be filmed playing the chicken. " I said, "Just give it a shot. " And he was great doing it, he ended up doing the morning after song, as well.  But yeah, the chicken, that was all Milwaukee, a real place called Russ and Darlene's Bar and Hall.  Russ and Darlene's.  You don't find a place like Russ and Darlene's, I don't think, in LA.  No, it's a polka hall.  It's a polka hall.  Well, I want to show, there's a nice use of Wisconsin in your next clip.  This is a clip from near the beginning of the film.  Why don't you set it up for us? Is this, which one? The Mencken clip? I'm sorry? H. L.  Mencken? Oh right, yes, I'm sorry, this is coming into Wisconsin, this is the start of the whole movie, and at this time, I think we've never seen Wisconsin literally from the border on into Milwaukee in the dead of winter, and I wanted to really show the difference between LA and Milwaukee and give people an instant feel for what it's like when you cross the border.  Let's see the role of Wisconsin in "Chump Change. " H. L.  MENCKEN CALLED L. 

A.  THE "RECTUM OF CIVILIZATION. " IF THAT IS INDEED TRUE THEN WISCONSIN IS CLEARLY ITS PIE HOLE.  EVERYTHING IN WISCONSIN INVOLVES THE ACT OF EATING AND/OR DRINKING AN ACT THAT USUALLY INVOLVES CHEESE AND/OR BEER.  THEY EVEN HAVE CHEESE BEER.  BUT YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER NOR A PERSON BY HIS BLOATED BOOZE-SOAKED CARCASS.  JOSEPH McCARTHY, ED GEIN AND JEFFREY DAHMER NOTWITHSTANDING WISCONSINITES ARE GOOD PEOPLE.  I LOVE WISCONSIN.  THAT'S WHY, THREE DAYS EARLIER I COPPED A RACINE LEAN AND HEADED FOR A PLACE WHERE THE MIDEAST MEETS THE MIDWEST Yay, Wisconsin! Yay, Wisconsin! What a great film.  You were the lead actor in this film, you directed it, you wrote it.  What's it like, I'm curious, it must be difficult to be the director and the actor in such a film, 'cause this is like your baby.  You know, for me, for some reason, I think it's because I started as a performer, and I did that for so long professionally, that-- I'm an improvisational actor, too, I'm not really trained, Shakespeare.  So you're doing this improv right now? This is all made up right now.  Wow.  But you didn't get my script? No, wow.  So the thing was, I tend to know, I can't always tell when it's good, but I always know when it sucks badly.  That's good enough.  So I have this sort of internal, like, "That really was awful, we need to do that again. " And because I was essentially playing me, it hopefully wasn't a stretch.  Yeah, how did you do, were you like, "This actor's terrible!" I was forced to sleep with the director.  Oh, were you? How did that work out? It didn't work out. 

 My wife is not happy about that.  ( laughter ) Well, this film is so nicely made, I love the cinematography, what was the budget for that, what did it cost to do this? I mean, I'm sure the actor was extremely expensive, and the director and the writer, but other than that, what did it cost? The film actually cost, we raised $500,000, and the goal was to make it look like it cost about $2 or $3 million.  Which fortunately worked.  But the actors, all the actors that you see here, Fred Willard, Tim Matheson, Jerry Stiller, Abe Vigoda, Traci Lords, they all worked for a Screen Actor's Guild low-budget minimum, which was $248 a day.  $248 a day? Jerry Stiller, $248.  What does he make a day doing "King of Queens"? About $55,000 an episode.  Why? Why does he make that money? No, no, why were these guys, that's a huge name.  You have some A-list from that crowd in.  Why would they work for $248 a day? My producer told me that in her experience, that if you try to write a really good script, with characters that actors will want to play, they'll do it for free, I mean, actors want to work, and when you've got people like we have, some really true comedy legends, they've made their money, they're not doing it for, they want to have fun.  If they can come across, if they can get laughs.  Comedy people want laughs.  Fred Willard, he's got the mortgage paid off.  Absolutely.  He just wants to make people laugh.  All he wants to do, none of these people did it for money, they did it because they thought the script was promising, the parts were on paper funny.  And once we got Tim Matheson and Jerry Stiller, all of a sudden, we got Fred Willard.  Fred Willard would say, "Who's in the movie?" We'd say, "Jerry Stiller, Tim Matheson. " All of a sudden, he's in.  And it just sort of cascaded.  And that was really a big learning curve on how to actually make the movie, because we couldn't get the money without the actors, but we couldn't get the actors without the money.  I can imagine that. 

 Now, of course, there's one other really big name in this, you have Traci Lords in this, and for people who don't know, Traci Lords is a former porn star, a very famous porn star.  She also stars in the film, and not in a porn star type role.  She, tell me about the Traci Lords, Sam, she plays Sam.  Tell me about her role and what it was like to work with her.  We needed, because Wisconsin was gonna be kind of the heart of the movie, and sort of from the craziness, insanity of LA to just someplace that's normal and grounded, we wanted to find someone who could really convey that instantly, not only the Midwest charm, but who was real.  And you choose a porn star? Well, my casting director said, "Traci Lords is actually trying to do some legitimate stuff. " I never saw any of her films, I have to admit, but most of my friends actually had, and they said, "I don't know. " But I loved, like in "Pulp Fiction," Travolta could not get hired before that.  Once he did that movie, all of a sudden he was back, so I thought, let's take a chance on her.  I brought her in, auditioned her, and she couldn't have been sweeter, more down to earth, she basically was Sam.  She became Sam.  And, you know, the whole porn thing went away, we got her in a parka the whole movie.  Yeah, there's no revealing clothes, she has a hat on, and a parka the whole time.  Yeah, nobody really knows-- We actually found-- Her name was at the beginning of the movie, Traci Lords.  And when we were testing the film, we saw that people sort of had a chip on their shoulder at the beginning, like "Traci Lords, let's see how she does. " And about halfway through the movie, they really started responding to her.  But we sort of lost people for half of the movie.  So my producer suggested we move the credits to the end, where they don't even know her.  I have to be honest.  I was waiting, and I knew that Traci Lords, I had all the press materials.  And I didn't know when I first saw this character, we're gonna see a clip in a second, I didn't know that was Traci Lords. 

 And then I figured out later, and I was like, how terrible of me to have some stereotype that she was gonna be a terrible actor, I thought maybe she'd play the bimbo from LA, but no, she did this, so it's great.  I think we should see a clip.  Let's see Traci Lords in action as Sam.  DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? NO.  L. A. 's NOT EXACTLY THE BEST PLACE FOR DATING.  WHERE IS? I'VE NEVER HAD MUCH LUCK ON THE COURTING FRONT.  [ SCOFFS ] PLEASE.  WHO HAS? COME ON.  IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.  SO, UH, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE BEATLE? RICHARD SPECK.  YOU MEAN RICHARD STARKEY.  WHO'S HE? HE'S RINGO.  WELL, THEN, WHO'S RICHARD SPECK? HE'S THAT GUY WHO KILLED SEVEN NURSES IN CHICAGO.  OH, JEEZ.  REALLY? THEN I GUESS I'LL TAKE GEORGE.  YOU EVER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND HERE? AND I DON'T MEAN ONE OF THOSE OUT-OF-STATE GIRLFRIENDS YOU MET ON SOME FAMILY VACATION.  WELL, UM. . . 

 I ALMOST MARRIED ONCE.  TWO WEEKS BEFORE, I CAUGHT HER WITH THE PASTOR.  [ CLICKS TONGUE ] THAT'S A TRUE STORY.  BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.  I'M SORRY.  OKAY, UPSY-DAISY HERE.  WELL, WILL YOU KIDS BE FURTHER GRUBBING TODAY? WE GOT AN EXCELLENT LUNCHEON SPECIAL GOING.  IT'S THE OPEN-FACED PORK CHEESE FONDUE WITH A FRUIT-FLAVORED KRINGLE FOR DESSERT.  MMM.  COULD I HAVE THE MOCK CHICKEN LEG, PLAIN, PLEASE? COIN CARROTS OR MEDLEY OF VEGETABLES? NEITHER.  JUST THE MOCK CHICKEN LEG, PLAIN.  ME TOO, PLEASE.  COIN CARROTS OR MEDLEY -- UH, UH, NO VEGGIES.  JUST THE MEAT.  PLAIN.  I LOVE A BIG CHUNK OF MEAT.  DO YOU LIKE GREEN BEANS? THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.  PEAS? NEVER TRIED 'EM.  ASPARAGUS? WON'T.  CAULIFLOWER? COULDN'T PICK IT OUT OF A LINEUP.  I HATE VEGETABLES. 

 I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE COULD BE A VEGETARIAN.  ME NEITHER.  I LOVE MEAT.  AND THESE VEGETARIANS, THEY GET UP ON THEIR HIGH HORSE AND THEY TALK ABOUT HOW THEY DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE COULD EAT MEAT.  I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE COULD CHOKE DOWN A SQUASH.  I DON'T EAT PLANTS.  PERIOD.  HMM.  I MEAN, I'M MORALLY OPPOSED TO THE CONSUMPTION OF VEGETATION OF ANY KIND.  HEAR, HEAR.  HOW 'BOUT CONDIMENTS? MMH.  NEVER HAD 'EM, NEVER WILL.  I HATE KETCHUP.  TAKE A NUMBER.  I DESPISE MUSTARD.  PLEASE! MAYONNAISE? COME ON.  HORSERADISH.  I'M FINICKY! Oh my God, that was so funny.  So, you said 80% of the film was real, so was that part real? That is, like 100% real.  You don't like ketchup? No, my wife and I, we met on a plane at O'Hare, and happened to be sitting next to her, and she starts picking at her food, and I start picking at my food.  And I said, "You don't like ketchup?" She's like, "I hate ketchup. 

" I said, "I hate ketchup.  Don't like mustard?" She goes, "Never had it!" "Mayonnaise?" "Don't even know what you're talking about. " "Fruits?" "Eh. " "Vegetables?" "Eh. " No sauerkraut on your bratwurst? Never had sauerkraut.  Oh, good man.  If it's spreadable, if it oozes, generally, for both of us, we don't like our foods to touch and stuff.  It's just a match made in heaven, we've been together for 21 years.  Match made in heaven, non-condiment match made in heaven, I love it.  Plain.  Let's go back to your film, I want to read something to you, I want to read some reviews of your film.  This is a review from the LA Weekly.  It said, "Critics choice.  Clever and genuinely funny. " The Hollywood Reporter, very influential, gave it a glowing review and said it was witty and that it was "an absolute party. " Entertainment Weekly gave it an "A", the film won Best Comedy and Best Screenplay, Sundance Festival, Traci Lords won for Best Actress, the HBO Comedy Festival.  And that's, I remember reading reviews just on and on of this glowing, glowing reviews.  Miramax was your distributor for this film, you got all those glowing reviews, huge names in it.  Boom, you got sent straight to DVD, never went to theaters.  What happened, I don't understand.  You know what, I was gonna ask you if you could explain it to me. 

 The truth is, in the movie, in reality, when I was writing the "Hook and Ladder" movie, the movie was green-lit, and then my studio executive in real life was fired, another one was jailed, and a third was actually, unfortunately he died in a car accident.  That's in real life.  So that movie ended right there, so crazy, over-the-top, made "Chump Change" about it, made the crazy movie, Miramax sees it at the HBO comedy fest, wonderful studio executives over there, they buy the film and two months later, our main studio executive was fired.  It was almost like we went from art imitating life to now life was imitating art again.  And I was told when our studio executive at Miramax lost his job that we were in trouble, because at every studio you need a champion to sort of push you through the system, and he was gone.  A new guy came in, and he responded to the movie, but he had other films like "Gangs of New York," some guy named Scorcese, I don't really know who he is.  And everything was good again, and then that guy, the Weinstein brothers at the time, they don't own Miramax anymore, but they would go through a lot of people.  And we just sort of got caught in the executive shuffle.  So bizarre, I mean, your reviews were glowing, it's amazing.  Yeah.  You live in LA, you still live in LA, you're a Wisconsin boy moved out to LA.  We have a lot of people on the show, I always ask them if they want to go out to LA, which you did.  You go out to LA, you're successful out there, you do this film.  You show in your film, and when you talk, it's a vapid place, it can be.  The industry you're in can be quite vapid.  It is, yeah.  It can be ego-driven, it can be brutal in a way.  But you're still out there.  Why are you in LA, why can't you make your movie back home with us? Well, the idea, it's just because the system out there, the system's sort of rigged.  It's just, if you want to seriously do films that are gonna be seen or released, the money is generally out there.  That doesn't mean you can't make a film anywhere, you can't make a film for a certain kind of budget, but in my experience, the people who get to actors like we had, for instance, everyone's just sort of out there. 

 The idea is, once you get to a certain level, then you can sort of live wherever you want to live.  Like, Harrison Ford lives in Montana, he doesn't even come to LA unless he's shooting something.  But that's sort of the plan for us.  We would like to come back to the Midwest, we need another movie or two under our belt, but I think we're gonna get there, I'm writing a couple of them right now.  But it's sort of a tough thing because, like you said, vapid, brutal.  It's all true.  It's superficial and it's largely boring, and mind-numbing.  It's like white noise at all times.  God, sounds wonderful.  But it is 77 degrees at all times, too.  That's true, good enough for me right there.  Before we go, I really, speaking of vapid, I want you to set up this next clip for us.  This clip, I think this is the clip of Simon Says, rules of comedy.  Set up the clip for me, this is the one I think I want to share with people because this is absolutely hilarious.  Thank you, this is, I would say, probably 80% based on truth, my studio executive on the "Hook and Ladder" movie, at 20th Century Fox, every day I'd go in to have meetings with him.  And he'd say to me, "Hey, did I ever tell you what I think's funny, what the rules of comedy are?" And I heard this every day, but I'd have to pretend, "No, I never really have heard you do this spiel. " And he goes, "I'll tell you what's funny. " He goes, "People getting whacked in the crotch, that's funny.  Eh!" He would do this.  "Eh!" "People getting whacked in the head, funny!" And I'd have to pretend to like, "Oh, okay, yeah. " And I was making this volunteer fireman movie, and he's like, "You cannot have enough people getting whacked in the head, whacked in the crotch. 

 I want people on ladders getting whacked in the crotch, I want people, hoses whacking people with water in the crotch and in the head," and then he goes, this one bit, he goes, for instance, "Grandpa.  Grandpa getting whacked in the crotch. " He goes, "It's funny. " He goes, "Grandma getting whacked in the crotch, that's not funny.  But Grandma getting whacked in the head, very funny, don't ask me why. " And then I realize, not only is he a moron, he's actually saying the truth as well.  So I start writing this down.  And Tim Matheson plays the studio executive in the movie, giving me his version of what's funny, what's not funny, the rules of comedy.  Well, let's see the rules of comedy.  YOU LIKE HEAD WHACKS? "HEAD WHACKS"? [ LAUGHS ] WHACKS TO THE HEAD.  SOMETIMES.  [ LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW, FOR ME YOU CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH HEAD WHACKS AND CROTCH WHACKS IN THIS PICTURE.  I WANT PEOPLE GETTING WHACKED IN THE HEAD AND WHACKED IN THE CROTCH ON A REGULAR BASIS.  AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.  BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.  HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY THEORIES ON COMEDY? I-I DON'T THINK SO.  THESE ARE THE RULES OF COMEDY, OKAY? FOR INSTANCE. . .  RIGHT PLACE, WRONG TIME, FUNNY.  WRONG PLACE, RIGHT TIME, FUNNY. 

 WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME.  NOT FUNNY.  STUPID, FUNNY.  RETARDED, NOT FUNNY.  FAT, FUNNY.  BALD, FUNNY.  HAIR, NOT FUNNY.  BUT TOUPEES AND WIGS, VERY FUNNY.  DON'T ASK ME WHY.  FALLING DOWN IS FUNNY.  OLD IS FUNNY.  GRANDPA, FUNNY.  GRANDMA, FUNNY.  GRANDPA GETTING WHACKED IN THE CROTCH, FUNNY.  GRANDMA GETTING WHACKED IN THE CROTCH, NOT FUNNY.  BUT GRANDMA GETTING WHACKED IN THE HEAD, VERY FUNNY.  DON'T ASK ME WHY.  FARTING IS ALWAYS FUNNY.  FARTING AT INOPPORTUNE TIMES, KILLER FUNNY.  PETS PEEING ON THEIR OWNERS, FUNNY.  OWNERS PEEING ON THEIR PETS, NOT FUNNY. 

 BUT BODILY FUNCTIONS BY PETS AND PEOPLE IN GENERAL, VERY FUNNY, ALL THE TIME.  DON'T ASK ME WHY.  [ LAUGHS ] WELL, I'LL BE.  IS THAT COOL? AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.  'CAUSE IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO PHYSICAL COMEDY.  I LOVE PHYSICAL COMEDY BECAUSE IT'S SO. . . SO. . .  PHYSICAL.  YOU SEE A MAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET.  CUT TO A SHOT OF A MANHOLE COVER.  YOU ASSUME HE'S GONNA FALL THROUGH.  THAT'S SUSPENSE.  BUT WHEN HE STEPS OVER THE MANHOLE -- BOOM! GETS HIT BY A BUS.  THAT'S COMEDY! That is some solid advice, you all should be writing this down.  Steve, it is a hilarious film, thank you very much.  And thanks everyone, everyone for watching.  Break a leg. 

 Make Wisconsin proud.  Thank you.  Fun for all of us.  Anyway, thanks for watching Director's Cut.  For more information on this film, "Chump Change," please go to our Web site.  wpt. org/directorscut.  And while you're there, send us an email, 'cause we absolutely love hearing from you.  I'm your host, Charles Monroe-Kane, and for everyone here at Director's Cut, thanks very much for joining us.  Check the gate.  CUT, CUT.  EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.  UH. . . MILWAUKEE.  YEAH, NOW. . .  I SEE YOUR CHARACTER AS PROBABLY COMING FROM A BROKEN HOME.  SO. 

. .  I-I-I-I DON'T WANT YOU TO SAY IT.  I DON'T WANT YOU TO SHOW IT.  I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT, OKAY? OKAY.  OKAY.  ALL RIGHT.  UM, PERHAPS YOU COULD SCRATCH YOUR GROIN AREA OCCASIONALLY, HMM? I'LL JUST LEAVE THAT UP TO YOU. ECHO is on.