They did sit down and talk
to me about it, but I didn't really understand at first.
I thought they were mad at me,
and that's why they were getting divorced.
>> They basically, I went to my
dad's house and they sat me down
and told me that they were going
to get divorced.
>> All my memories were with my
mother, my aunt and my grandmother
because I was always with them.
And it would be really hard
because it wasn't either of my
parents really raising me.
It was more my grandmother and
my aunt.
So, really, I have three mothers
>> I understood that they didn't
get along.
I didn't think that they would split up,
but I understood they had problems.
>> I thought it was my fault,
because they were fighting about
custody, and when they were going to get me
and when they weren't going to, or who was
going to get me more.
>> I think that one of the
things that's important is to
recognize that it's not about
whether or not people were
married.
It's really about, you know, the
relationship, and that there are
very committed relationships
where there's not formally a
marriage.
But that doesn't diminish the
fact that they are parents, and
that relationship is the same,
whether or not it ends because a
relationship ends or a marriage
ends, the dynamics are the same.
One of the things I think about
joint custody, is obviously
joint custody is good, because
it implies that both parents
want to still be in the child's
life.
But I think that sometimes what
happens, and the conflict is
that there becomes a very rigid
schedule.
And you know, Tuesdays and
Wednesdays, they're here, and
Wednesdays and Thursdays they're
here.
And they'll be making all kinds
of arrangements about this
schedule, you know, without
involving the child.
And what happens sometimes is
that it feels like they're not
included, like they're not
important in the decision,
that they're making arrangements
to, you know, ship their
luggage from place to place.
>> You kind of feel like a piece
of luggage, 'cause they're
shipping you back and forth.
One day you're here and one day
you're there.
It just gets really old.
'Cause I know I'm at my mom's
house Mondays and Tuesdays, and
my dad's Wednesdays and
Thursdays, and whose weekend it
is gets me and my sister Friday.
>> You're always being talked
about on the phone, or you hear
the arguments over who's getting
the child next, so you feel like
you're a picture being passed
from one person to the next.
>> Like, if I want to stay at my
mom's house a little longer, I
should be able to do that
without the other parent feeling
like, bad, you know what I mean?
Like them being, "Oh, you don't
want to stay with me.
You must not love me as much as
the other parent."
That's really hard, too.
Because sometimes I just don't
feel like going to my dad's
house, or I don't feel like
going to my mom's house, and I
just want to stay in one place.
And it's like, oh, you're dad's
going to feel bad if you don't
go there.
It's like, I'm sorry, but this
is what I want to do.
It's not my fault you guys are
divorced.
I just want to stay in one
place.
>> Particularly as kids get
older, their peer relationships,
their school relationships,
their you know, school
functions, become very important
to them.
So if that means that you know,
Wednesday doesn't work for them
to go visit, that needs to be
okay.
They should have a voice.
It shouldn't be, well, you know,
things always happen on
Wednesday, and we're taking this
visitation away, and that
argument that can happen between
parents.
>> Well, when I did see my
father, he would talk about how
he loved my mother and how he
messed up.
And if he could go back, he
would marry her, and all that.
Like he never really said
anything bad about her.
>> My mother never said anything
bad about my father.
It was always good things.
It was always good memories.
When I talk to my father, he
always talked about her in a
good way.
He explained to me why they
ended up separating.
And he blamed himself, too.
And he always apologized for not
being there when he really
wanted to.
And how hard it was going
through the separation and not
being able to be a part of my
life, as he should've been.
>> I think we need to protect
the kids from knowing all the
adult details about whatever it
is that happened in the
relationship that ended the
relationship.
They don't need to know that.
They need to know that there was
conflict that you couldn't work
on, but that you did your best,
and that you worked really hard,
and that you will always love
them.
>> There was good communication.
It's off an on.
Like, they'll get mad at each
other and they won't talk for a
while.
But there's always been pretty
good communication between the
two of them.
>> You need to talk to your
parents and tell them that you
don't like to hear what they're
saying about the other person.
And then, usually they should
just change that, and they
should be able to talk away from
you, or not bring you into the
situation.
My dad, he did it, and then he
thought about it.
And he knew that I was right.
He came back and apologized
and said, "I'm glad that you
were man enough to tell me...",
'cause I was like 12.
"You're right, that I should not
be talking about your mother
like that in front of you."
>> I did have to carry a lot
of messages, tell your dad this,
and tell your mom that.
That gets old, too.
It's like, if you guys have a
problem with each other, just
talk to each other about it,
and stop making us
the messengers and like,
have us bring bad news.
Because that's not really fair
to us either.
>> Is this your mom?
>> No, this is my aunt.
>> Oh my god, that's Laurie?
>> Yeah.
And this is...
>> Our house?
>> Yep.
This is when we went on
vacation.
>> I do think it's interesting
that these kids connected to
their grandparents.
You know, I think they're all
really lucky to have
grandparents who stepped up, and
who, you know, worked with them
relationally, supported their
parents financially so that they
could really get through a
difficult time.
I think it's important for kids
to find that person who they can
go to.
You know, that might be an aunt.
That might be an uncle.
That might be a neighbor.
But it might be a grandparent
and extended family.
>> My grandmother was always a
big part of my life.
She still is.
You know, when I need to get
away from the family, I'm always
with her.
And I can go to her for help.
>> If you didn't have them,
where would you be?
You'd be stuck at home alone
while your parents were working
or not being able to talk to
someone about it because, you
know, parents being divorced,
they only have one side of it.
And it's really hard to think
about how it would've been
without my grandma.
>> I still eat at my grandma's
house.
She's a great cook.
I mean, you can't really avoid
great cooking.
But yeah, that's about it.
She helped me out when I needed
it.
>> My grandma has got a good,
positive influence on me.
She always has a good positive
way to help me out.
Go for the goal every day.
Be successful in life.
Just always try.
Never look at anything negative.
Always look at the positive side
that could come.
And what I can do better each
day to be a better person for
myself.
Since my dad's not around,
they definitely are like,
they stepped in as the dad.
They were like second parents.
They helped out my mom through
financial problems.
They were always there whether
she needed someone to watch us.
When we were growing up, my
grandparents have always been
there for me, as long as I can
remember.
They've always been there.
>> By the way, does anybody read
the paper?
>> Yeah, I do.
>> Why?
>> Jasmine got her name in the paper.
>> Oh, my god!
>> Why, what?
>> Honor Roll?
>> For the Honor Roll.
You have to admire her.
She works.
She's 17 now.
And she works two jobs off and
on.
And just Friday in the paper,
I see her come out
on the Honor Roll.
That's very, very, very
enlightening for us.
It really makes you feel great.
It does.
It seems like this is the normal
thing in this day and age, with
more grandparents, because there
are an awful lot of parents that
are split.
There are an awful lot of
grandparents that are taking
care of grandchildren.
We really don't basically take
care of her.
It's just that she knows where
we are.
She's welcome, always.
>> The clear part, the most
important part of telling is to
make sure they understand this
decision is not about them.
That their role as parents is
not going to change.
And that they will always be
their priority, regardless of
the fact that one of them is
probably not going to live in
that house anymore.
>> They did a great job, because
I didn't put any of the blame on
me.
I was able to deal with the
situation.
I have a good self-esteem,
so I think that they did it
the best way you can.
Because I don't feel any lack of
love.
I know I can trust people.
Some people lose trust when they
go through this kind of thing.
>> I think for some kids who
lose the connection to one
parent, they wonder about
why they're different.
You know, they notice.
You know, physically, they might
look different.
They might have different
interests.
They might wonder about why
things have changed.
And that connection to that
other part of their life doesn't
cease being important.
And I think sometimes we hope
that it does.
That somehow, that if this
parent stops having contact, and
we're focused on one side of the
family, that that will be
enough.
And we don't think about the
fact that I think kids want to
know who they are, where they've
come from.
They want to understand all
parts of you know, what brought
them here, and who made them
what they are, and all those
elements.
So to find a way to connect and
to maintain that connection is
ideally really important.
And if that can't happen,
the important thing is to
acknowledge that even if it
can't happen, it's important.
And to give them as much
information, and as much
knowledge, and as much
understanding about who they
are, and who both sides of their
family are, is really critical
to them so that they can see
themselves as a whole person,
and not wonder.
>> My parents were never
married, but they lived together
for 15 years.
They were high school
sweethearts.
And I was their first.
Then they had another daughter.
I have a little sister named
Jordan.
But they broke up when I was
about four years old, so they
were never together when my
sister was born.
And ever since, it's been like
that.
He kind of just left out of my
life.
And we see him every once and a
while, but he's not really in
our life anymore.
We hardly see him.
>> He's really busy with his
job, but he tries to make it to
everything.
Like, he goes into work at 4:00
in the morning so he can get
done at 4:30, so he has us.
But he's gone to pretty much
every single one of my
basketball or soccer games.
He's been pretty involved with
all that.
>> The first time I really saw
my dad was not that long ago,
only about two years ago.
And I only saw him for about two
weeks during the summer.
It was really hard at first.
It was really awkward because
that was the first time that
my stepdad and my father
had ever seen each other.
I resemble my dad
more than I resemble my mom.
We had the same smile,
same laugh, same everything.
And I think it's really cool
since I wasn't raised by him.
But whenever I do see him, we
have a lot of the same tastes.
And our personalities are
actually a lot similar than I
thought they would be.
I always thought that I'd end up
being like my mother and my
stepdad, but it's the complete
opposite.
I felt really fulfilled,
actually, at my graduation,
because that was the first time
I was there with both my mother
and my father at the same time.
And it was really great because
I also had my brother and my
sister at the same time.
So that was the first time they
met each other.
I don't know how to say this.
Well, it was really easy for me
after I met my dad for the first
time, two years ago, because
then I felt complete.
Like, it was always pictures.
It was always phone calls.
It was emails.
But I never had that one on one
contact with him.
So that's all I really needed,
was to show face.
I still need to bond with my
father's side of the family.
Because all I've known
throughout my whole life was my
mother's side, aunts, uncles,
cousins, grandmother,
everything.
And as I said, my father's side
of the family hasn't seen me
since I was a year or two old.
And so, when I finally did see a
few of them when I was 16,
they didn't even recognize
who I was.
I look a lot like my sister.
They looked at me and they were
like, "Lester, who is that?"
That's my father name.
"Who is that?"
"This is Leslie."
It took them a second.
Oh my goodness, you know.
So I need to make bonds and
connections with all those
people, because I feel as though
I don't know them.
>> Kids really want and need a
relationship with both parents.
And one of the ways to make that
best is to let it be okay that
it's a good relationship, that
it's, you know, that they love
them, that they celebrate them,
that it's okay to come home and
have fun.
That there's a connection.
And while I think it might be
difficult sometimes for parents
to stay involved in their
child's life, it's important
that they do if they can.
And like I said, that they can
celebrate both the good things
and the bad things about what
happened in that relationship.
We want to believe that our kids
won't be impacted, that we can
do all kinds of things, that
they're not going to have a
negative reaction.
And the truth of the matter is
kids are impacted when their
parents divorce.
You know, their life is
changing.
So we need to be aware of how
much are they personalizing
this.
Are they blaming themselves for
the divorce?
Is their sleep impacted?
Are their grades changing?
Are they getting in more fights
with kids?
Are they, you know, using drugs
or alcohol?
Have they changed their peer
support system?
Are friends who used to be in
their lives, are they now, is
that changing?
And what do we think about the
new kids that are in their
lives?
I think we need to be aware that
some kids will become clinically
depressed, or clinically
anxious.
Then they may need to get some
professional services and
professional help.
>> I just didn't really want to
do anything.
When my parents were getting
divorced, I just kind of wanted
to sit home and do nothing.
So, kind of like depression
almost, if you could call it
that.
I just kind of really started to
apply myself in high school,
thinking like, this is my
parents' deal.
Why let it bother me.
Might as well get my grades up
and succeed in life, and let
them deal with their issues by
themselves.
>> During the whole situation,
I never thought about drugs,
suicide, anything bad.
>> Well, I know that my cousin,
we're the same age, her father,
my uncle, and her mother
recently got a divorce.
I want to say about three years
ago.
And it was really hard, because
she was the perfect child, you
know.
She always had good grades.
She got everything that she
wanted.
She lived with her parents.
And I was always envious of her.
But then when her parents ended
up splitting, it was the end of
the world for her.
She went through this
depression.
She wanted to commit suicide,
and everything.
>> I think we think people
understand what it's like to
have an experience, to be a
child of a divorced family.
And I don't think you really can
know what it's like to suddenly
have a parent not live with you
anymore, unless you've had that
experience.
And I think for some kids, it
can feel really like they're
feelings are minimized, like the
impact to them is minimized by
saying kind of things like,
well, I know how you feel; well,
I know just what you're going
through, if you don't.
And because the truth is there's
not a right or wrong way to
feel.
And no two kids are going to
respond exactly the same.
>> I would say that you have to
have friends.
It's always helpful to have
friends that are going through
somewhat similar situation as
you are.
Because I found it really
helpful when I had other friends
that had separation issues that
we can relate to.
Because if you don't have at
least one friend or anybody to
talk to that can relate, that's
when you feel like I need to be
on medication; I don't want to
live anymore; I'm not worthy of
existing, or anything like that.
I see a lot of children that are
like that.
I see a lot of my peers that are
like that.
>> My friends, they tried to
support me and try to help out.
They try to say, I know what
you're going through.
One time, my best friend, she
tried to be there for me, and
tried to talk with me to help me
through it.
But I know she has no idea
because she's not in the
situation.
She never has been, so she can't
relate to it.
>> A lot of kids do say, oh, I
know what you're going through.
But they really don't at all
know what you're going through
until they're put in the same
situation.
And for every kid, it's
different, too.
Everyone reacts to things
different.
And a lot of kids don't realize
that.
They just think it's, oh, your
parents are splitting up, you're
just going to have to go live at
two different houses, what's so
bad about that.
It's a lot more than that.
>> You know, I think facilitated
support groups in school can be
helpful for kids, because
they're there.
I think one of the challenges of
support groups is how to get to
a place.
If it's off-site, they may or
may not have transportation.
You know, they may feel like
they're being disloyal to their
parents by needing a support
group.
So I think if the school can
provide a support group, that
that would probably be really
helpful for these kids.
>> It would've been a lot more
helpful if like the counselors
at school knew, and a lot of
your teachers knew.
Because I know when my parents
got divorced, I had issues in
school that, like, my grades
were starting to go down and all
that.
And a lot of teachers don't
realize that stuff.
And I think it's a lot more
helpful if the parents let
teachers, counselors and stuff
know at school.
It would be very helpful to have
a support group at school for
something like that.
>> It definitely would be good
to have a support group.
But then again, I wouldn't want
to be too open and say too much,
just for the fact that I
wouldn't want anybody to go
around school and have everybody
know.
>> If there was a group at a
school for children who their
parents are splitting up, I
think it'd be good for people
who are more open about their
emotions.
I don't think you should bottle
them up.
If you do feel the need to talk
to people, then you should.
>> The other students that you
interviewed along with me, I
didn't know that they had
separated parents.
I never would've guessed.
And since then, I see them and
we talk every so often, like,
about personal things and just
you know, a simple "hi" in the
hall.
>> I think we can take bad
experiences and learn from them.
And one of the things I think is
important for the kids who you
talked to, is they want to make
the difference.
They want what they experienced
to matter to the other kids and
families who maybe are not this
far along in the process.
And I think they want them to
know that it can be okay.
That please, you know, here's
our words of wisdom.
We experienced it.
We're here.
Look at us.
We're okay.
You guys can be okay, too.
And this is what you need to do.
Here's the rule book, you know.
I think if they were to write
the rule book, what we'd hear is
remember that we're involved.
Don't leave us out of the
picture.
Don't leave us out of the
discussion.
Please, when you're arranging
joint visitation, ask me.
You know, we have some opinions.
We're not, you know, we're not
the piece of furniture who you
have to decide, when you're
doing the 50/50 split, okay, dad
you get the chair and you get
the couch.
The kid's not the chair or the
couch.
They have an opinion.
And they can be involved.
And I think the kids would say
that was important.
I think we heard them say, you
know, please don't tell me about
your conflict.
Please don't tell me what's
going on between you and mom, or
you and dad, or whoever.
I don't need to know.
I don't want to know.
I just want you to be my parent.
>> Make it as easy on the kids
as possible, whether that be not
arguing in front of them, not
arguing about them in front of
them, or bad-mouthing the other
spouse.
And just know that your kids,
this is a big deal to kids, and
not just something that they're
going to get over real quick.
Give them time.
>> When you are going through a
divorce, you always have to keep
the child's thoughts in mind.
You have to think about where
they would stand on a situation.
Some kids will go through it,
all kids will go through it in a
very different way.
You have to adjust to how they
feel about a situation.
You have to sit them down and
talk to them about it.
They have their feelings.
So you know whatever actions
you're doing, what you take,
that you're able to make sure
that you're able to do it in the
best way possible for your
child, so you don't hurt them.
You keep them in the most stable
situation that you can.
I mean, going through a divorce
isn't stable, but you have to
make them feel as comfortable
with the situation as you can.
>> I'd tell parents to not yell
at their kids if their kids are
getting upset, because it's a
hard thing to have to deal with,
not only that your parents
getting divorced, but then
yelling at you for it, too, when
you're getting upset about it.
And to treat the kids with
respect, too.
Because a lot of times, parents
just get so overwhelmed with
getting divorced that they don't
really think about how their
kids are feeling about it.
And to sit down and actually
talk to your kids, and let them
know that it's not their fault.
>> I would tell other kids to
try and you know, convince your
parents that they need to speak
to each other about you.
You know, if they don't have a
good relationship with each
other, at least make sure that
they're concerned about you.
Put their differences aside,
because at one point in time,
they had to have loved each
other in some way, shape or
form, otherwise their existence
wouldn't be.
So I think for the child to be
fulfilled, so to speak, both of
the parents need to be active in
their lives, even through each
other.
Because if they don't have a
positive relationship, that has
a really big impact on the
child.
>> You have to adjust, really,
to how your parents handle the
situation.
Because they might not handle it
the best way they know how.
You have to keep that in mind.
It's something new for them,
too, when they're going through
splitting up.
And you just have to try to keep
things as positive as you can.
You can't blame yourself.
So stay as optimistic as
possible about the situation.
>> I think a lot of children
that are going through
separations with their parents
tend to blame themselves.
>> Don't blame yourself for your
parents getting divorced.
It's not your fault.
And just make the best of the
situation.
Don't sit there and dwell over
it, just move on with your life.
>> I'm not going to put the
blame on myself, which I think
helped my own self-esteem.
And I didn't get caught up in
what they were doing.
So I think it helped me overall,
not to place the blame on
myself.
You really should never do that
if you are going through that
situation.
>> Every separation story is
unique in its own way.
It can happen when you're very
young.
It can happen later in your
teenage years.
It could be a death that
happened.
It could be just a bitter
divorce.
But you always have to remember
that it's not your fault.
And you always have to remember
that through it all, there's
going to be one person that's
going to be there for you,
whether it's your mother,
your father, grandmother,
grandparents, anybody.
>> For these kids, and for lots
of kids who go through divorce,
I think that you know, if we do
things for them, and keep them
as the focus, if we maintain
appropriate relationships with
them, if we let them celebrate
both parents, if we let them
feel whatever it is they're
feeling, you know, they're going
to come out with skills around,
you know, the next time they're
faced with a crisis.
They going to know what to do.
It's not going to rock them
quite as much as it's going to
rock someone who hasn't had to
deal with something that's
difficult.
>> I guess what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.
And I just kind of got over the
whole divorce thing and moved
past it.
And you've got to think that
this is the way it's going to
be, and you're not going to
change it.
'Cause a lot of kids think, oh,
my parents will get remarried.
I'll make them get remarried.
It's not going to happen.
So you just kind of got to move
on, and just live life, and just
continue living life with them
being divorced, and just learn
how to deal with it.