I SEE PAIN.
I SEE A LOT OF SADNESS COMING FROM MYSELF.
I SEE A LOT OF CONFUSION.
I WOULD CUT.
AND IT WOULD RELEASE THE FRUSTRATION
AND THE CONFUSION AND THE ANGER THAT I FELT
TOWARDS PEOPLE AND TOWARDS MYSELF.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS DOING IT EXACTLY
BUT I FOUND THIS IMMEDIATE RELIEF FROM MY ANGER.
I FEEL, FOR ME, THAT IT'S A BIG STIGMA
TO SELF-INJURE, SELF-MUTILATE, CUT
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.
SELF-INJURY REALLY IS A PHYSICAL WAY
OF HARMING ONE'S BODY, NOT FOR THE INTENT OF SUICIDE
BUT RATHER, THE INTENT OF SURVIVAL.
I DIDN'T LIKE MYSELF.
I WAS ASHAMED BECAUSE I COULDN'T COPE WITH THE PRESSURES.
WELL, MAYBE I WAS THE FIRST PERSON
EVER TO BE IN THIS FAMILY WHO EVER HAD A DEPRESSION
OR WAS EVER OPENLY TEARFUL.
AND OBVIOUSLY, THAT WAS DAUNTING
BECAUSE IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE, HOW DO YOU SUPPORT IT ?
WELL, IT GAVE EVERYBODY A WONDERFUL NEW LABEL
"DIANA'S UNSTABLE"
AND "DIANA'S MENTALLY IMBALANCED."
AND UNFORTUNATELY
THAT SEEMS TO HAVE STUCK ON AND OFF OVER THE YEARS.
WHEN NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU
OR YOU FEEL NO ONE'S LISTENING TO YOU
ALL SORTS OF THINGS START TO HAPPEN.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU HAVE SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE YOURSELF
THAT YOU TRY AND HURT YOURSELF ON THE OUTSIDE
BECAUSE YOU WANT HELP.
IT'S THE WRONG HELP YOU'RE ASKING FOR.
PEOPLE SEE IT AS CRYING WOLF OR ATTENTION SEEKING.
THEY THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE MEDIA ALL THE TIME
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH ATTENTION.
BUT I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING OUT BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET BETTER
IN ORDER TO GO FORWARD AND CONTINUE MY DUTY
AND MY ROLE AS WIFE, MOTHER, PRINCESS OF WALES.
SO, YES, I DID INFLICT UPON MYSELF.
WELL, I JUST HURT MY ARMS AND MY LEGS.
AND I WORK IN ENVIRONMENTS NOW
WHERE I SEE WOMEN DOING SIMILAR THINGS
AND I'M ABLE TO UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY
WHERE THEY'RE COMING FROM.
SOMEONE WHO SELF-INJURES THINKS THEY NEED IT TO LIVE.
I DON'T REMEMBER THE VERY FIRST TIME.
I JUST REMEMBER MY PARENTS ASKING ME
ABOUT, LIKE, BRUISES ON MY HANDS.
I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH.
I WAS IN FIRST GRADE.
I MEAN, LITTLE KIDS DON'T LIE.
THE PEOPLE THAT WE FOUND WHO SELF-INJURE
THE MAJORITY ARE FEMALE
ALTHOUGH WE DO SEE MALES, ALSO.
THE MAJORITY START EARLY, EITHER IN ADOLESCENCE
OR MAYBE EVEN PRE-ADOLESCENCE.
THINKING ABOUT MY BROTHER
I'M JUST REALLY ANGRY AT HIM THAT HE SEXUALLY ABUSED ME.
AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT THAT
I JUST REALLY FEEL LIKE SELF-INJURING.
PROBABLY THE MOST COMMON WAYS THAT PEOPLE INJURE ARE:
THE FIRST WOULD PROBABLY BE SCRATCHING
OR PICKING AT SCABS OR WOUNDS--
OPENING THINGS UP.
THEN, PROBABLY, WOULD BECOME ACTUAL CUTTING
TAKING AN IMPLEMENT AND CUTTING ONE'S SELF.
OR ACTUALLY, EXCORIATION
WHICH IS USING, YOU KNOW, FINGER NAILS.
BURNING IS ALSO COMMON.
THEN WE GET INTO OTHER KINDS OF THINGS
LIKE HITTING ONE'S SELF
WITH ONE'S HANDS OR OTHER OBJECTS
THEY CAN EVEN GO AS FAR AS BREAKING BONES.
SOME PEOPLE THINK
THAT PEOPLE WHO SELF-INJURE OR CUT THEMSELVES
LIKE SOMEONE BITING THEMSELVES--
THEY'RE PROBABLY CRAZY.
SOMEBODY WHO SELF-INJURES, THEY'RE NOT CRAZY.
IT'S A DESPERATE ACT.
AND FOR THOSE WHO DON'T SELF-INJURE
WHO ARE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE SELF-INJURE
IT IS A DESPERATE ACT.
I'M LEARNING THAT IT FEELS MUCH BETTER
AND TAKES LESS EFFORT TO JUST LET YOUR FEELINGS SHOW
INSTEAD OF KEEPING THEM IN
AND PUTTING THEM OUT IN NEGATIVE WAYS.
I HAVE THAT FEELING THAT I'M JUST ALONE
INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.
I HAVE NOBODY AROUND ME AND NOTHING INSIDE OF ME.
AND THAT'S WHAT I DID IT FOR.
I DID IT FOR THE NUMBNESS, THAT FEELING NOTHING.
I DON'T CARE IF I WASN'T HAPPY.
I DIDN'T CARE IF I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD
IT WAS JUST NOTHING.
FOR MANY OF OUR FOLKS
THEY WILL TELL US THAT THEY FEEL NUMB
THAT THEY FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF WOOD THAT'S NOT ALIVE.
SO, THE SEEING OF BLOOD IS A WAY OF REASSERTING
AND VALIDATING FOR THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARE ALIVE.
IT'S A LOT OF THINGS THAT DRIVE ME TO CUT MYSELF.
IT'S MY DEPRESSION-- MY DEPRESSION A LOT.
LONELINESS REALLY DRIVES MY DEPRESSION.
I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE I CAN'T ACCEPT MYSELF.
MOST OF THE FOLKS WE DEAL WITH ARE FAIRLY INTELLIGENT
ALTHOUGH EMOTIONALLY, THEY MIGHT FEEL VERY YOUNG.
THEY OFTEN DON'T LIKE THEMSELVES
ACTUALLY, A SELF-LOATHING IS MORE LIKE IT.
IT'S NOT JUST A LOW SELF-ESTEEM
BUT A TRUE HATRED FOR ONE'S SELF.
AND AS MUCH AS I DON'T LIKE CUTTING MYSELF
THERE IS STILL A LITTLE THING INSIDE ME
THAT QUESTIONS IF I WANT TO OR NOT.
I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT UNDERNEATH
MOST OF THE EMOTIONS THAT THESE FOLKS ARE HAVING
IS A SENSE OF PANIC.
AND UNDER THAT PANIC IS FEAR.
IT'S FEAR THAT ANGER WILL BRING ABOUT LOSS.
IT'S FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
FEAR OF PEOPLE, FEAR OF LIFE, FEAR OF CHANGE.
I NEED TO ACCEPT MYSELF.
AND THAT'S SO VERY HARD FOR ME; IT'S SO HARD.
I GREW UP IN A FAMILY WHERE COMPLIMENTS, HUGS--
APPRAISAL-- WAS VERY RARELY, IF EVER, GIVEN.
IF A CHILD GROWS UP THINKING THEY'RE GARBAGE
THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER WAY OF REALLY VIEWING THEMSELVES.
SO, TO INJURE THEMSELVES AND HURT THEMSELVES--
REMEMBER, THE THOUGHTS THAT THEY'RE CONSTANTLY SAYING ARE:
"I'M GARBAGE. I'M NO GOOD."
I WISH I COULD GO THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT DOUBTING MYSELF.
I WISH BEFORE I GOT INTO A SITUATION
I WOULD GO, "I CAN DO THIS," INSTEAD OF "I CAN'T."
I GUESS I'M MAKING THE CHOICE TO CUT MYSELF
BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS...
WALK AWAY, BUT IT'S A HARD CHOICE
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THERE'S NOTHING TO WALK AWAY TO.
I HAVE A LOT OF GREAT FRIENDS.
I HAVE MY SISTERS, MY DAD.
BUT I STILL FEEL EMPTY SOMETIMES.
IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE IN A NEVER-ENDING HOLE.
YOU KNOW, I'LL GET ANGRY AND DEPRESSED.
AND YOU KNOW, USUALLY THERE'S SOMETHING--
USUALLY, TO SET ME OFF DURING THE DAY
OR SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M JUST SO DOWN
THAT I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
AND THEN I GO INTO THE ZONING OUT PROCESS
AND I END UP CUTTING MYSELF.
IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD, I SAW MY SISTER DO IT.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS REALLY STUPID FOR DOING IT.
THEN ONE DAY, I JUST, LIKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN DID IT.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I DID IT.
WHEN I CUT MYSELF, IT KIND OF TAKES MY EMOTIONAL PAIN
AND PUTS IT INTO PHYSICAL PAIN INSTEAD.
I'D RATHER HAVE THE PHYSICAL PAIN THAN THE EMOTIONAL PAIN
BECAUSE I CAN WATCH IT HEAL.
CUTTING MAKES ME FEEL REALLY CALM.
IT CALMS ME DOWN WHEN I'M ANGRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
IT JUST SOOTHES ME FOR A WHILE.
IT'S HARD FOR PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THIS
BUT IT REALLY GIVES AN IMMEDIATE SENSE OF RELIEF.
AND WE'RE NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THE MECHANISM IS.
THE BELIEF IS THAT NATURALLY-OCCURRING ENDORPHINS
OR OPIATES ARE RELEASED INTO THE BLOODSTREAM.
MY DAD KNOWS, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT
BECAUSE I THINK HE'S TRYING TO SEE IF--
WHAT I CAN DO ON MY OWN.
THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER HAS NEVER BEEN THAT GREAT.
EVER SINCE I WAS LITTLE
SHE'S ALWAYS HAD THIS FETISH WITH DIETS.
SHE WOULD HAVE ME AND MY SISTERS ON DIETS CONSTANTLY.
SHE'D KEEP A CHART OF WHAT EVERYBODY IN THE FAMILY WEIGHED
AND SHE WOULD CONSTANTLY BRAG
ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE WEIGHED LESS THAN I DID.
MANY OF OUR FOLKS REPORT BEING PHYSICALLY, SEXUALLY
OR VERBALLY ABUSED.
IF YOU HAVE A HOUSEHOLD
THAT THERE'S NOT A LOT OF COMMUNICATION
AND IT'S STERILE
WE'RE GONNA CONTINUE TO PRODUCE MORE KIDS
THAT DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND FEELINGS.
MY SCARS SAY TO ME THAT I REALLY HURT FOR A WHILE
AND I THOUGHT I WAS OVER IT.
I'M HURTING AGAIN, BECAUSE I AM DOING IT AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO IT EVERY TIME I HURT.
THE PROBLEM THEY WERE TRYING TO FIX IN THE FIRST PLACE
IS STILL THERE.
SO, THAT'S GOING TO RE-EMERGE
MAYBE EVEN BIGGER THAN IT WAS BEFORE.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ALONE ALL THE TIME.
YOU FEEL LIKE NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I THOUGHT I WAS.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEONE ELSE
TO BE SOMEONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS COOLER THAN ME
THAT WAS BETTER THAN ME.
THE CUTTING WAS THE RELEASING OF THE ANGER
AND FRUSTRATION THAT I FELT.
PHYSICALLY, IT WAS LEAVING MARKS
IT WAS LEAVING SCARS.
MENTALLY, IT FELT LIKE IT WAS GIVING ME POWER AT THE TIME
THAT I COULD CONTROL SOMETHING.
THE PERSON WHO SELF-INJURES
BELIEVES THAT THEY ARE ONLY HURTING THEMSELVES
THAT NO ONE ELSE IS AFFECTED.
AND PARENTS NEED TO START SHARING WITH THEIR KIDS
HOW MUCH THEY ARE AFFECTED.
I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I STOPPED CUTTING
BECAUSE OF THE SUPPORT THAT I FOUND WITHIN MY FAMILY
AND FROM THE COUNSELOR THAT I HAD.
I FIGURED THAT IF THEY COULD WORK SO HARD TO HELP ME
AND TO LIKE ME FOR WHO I REALLY WAS
MAYBE I SHOULD FIND OUT WHO I REALLY WAS AND LIKE ME, TOO.
THE MESSAGE TO THE PARENTS, BASICALLY
IS TO RESPOND TO THIS DIRECTLY.
IF THEY NEED THIS ATTENTION, GIVE IT TO THEM.
TALK TO THEM.
THEY NEED SOMEBODY TO LISTEN.
AND PARENTS CANNOT BE THE THERAPISTS, NECESSARILY
THEY NEED TO FIND HELP FOR THEM.
I CUT FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS.
AND I DON'T THINK IT WAS EVER WORTH IT.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ME.
I WANT TO BE A PERSON.
I WAS BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED
STARTING AT THE AGE OF TWO.
I THOUGHT I KNEW
THAT THIS WAS A WAY YOU WERE SHOWED LOVE
THAT MEN SHOWED YOU LOVE
AND THIS IS WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME.
I BEGAN TO CUT TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN INSIDE
AND THE FEELING OF FEELING DIRTY AND EMPTY AND ALL ALONE.
I'LL GO TO MY ROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK IT.
EVEN THOUGH I LIVE ALONE, I STILL LOCK THE DOOR.
AND I'LL SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR
AND I'LL CUT OR SELF-INJURE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT
UNTIL I CAN GET THE PAIN TO STOP.
WE TREAT IT AS A CHOICE.
WE DON'T TREAT IT AS A DISEASE.
WITH SELF-INJURY, THE CUTTING/BURNING IS SECONDARY
THE UNDERLYING ISSUES IS PRIMARY.
ATSAFE,I'VE LEARNED, WITH IMPULSE CONTROL
THAT THE IMPULSES WON'T GO AWAY.
BUT,THAT IT'S MY CHOICE HOW I DEAL WITH THEM
WHETHER I ACT ON THEM
OR WHETHER I DEAL WITH THE FEELINGS AND THE THOUGHTS
AND IT'LL GO AWAY.
I'VE LEARNED THAT IT'S MY CHOICE
AND IT'S MY DECISION.
THE IMPULSE CONTROL LOGS
ARE USED EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMEONE HAS THE IMPULSE
BECAUSE WHETHER THEY'RE INJURING OR NOT
THE IMPULSE IS THERE.
SO, THE IMPULSE CONTROL LOG HELPS BREAK DOWN THOUGHTS
FROM FEELINGS, FROM ACTIONS.
YOU GET TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO
BEFORE YOU DO IT
AND DECIDE WHETHER YOU WANT TO DO IT
OR WHETHER YOU WANT TO STOP
AND MAKE A HEALTHIER DECISION FOR YOURSELF.
WE LOOK FOR A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY
SO THAT THE TIME FRAME
IN BETWEEN THE IMPULSE TO INJURE AND THE ACTUAL ACTION
GETS WIDER AND WIDER
SO THEY PUT A THOUGHT IN BETWEEN THERE.
AND THEN THEY START CHALLENGING THE THOUGHT
ABOUT THE NEED TO ACTUALLY ENGAGE IN A BEHAVIOR.
I WOULD NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL.
AND HERE, I'M LEARNING IT'S OKAY TO FEEL.
AND THAT THE FEELINGS ARE STRONG AND INTENSE
BUT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO STAY FOREVER
AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO DESTROY OR KILL ME.
WHAT AM I REALLY GOING TO ACHIEVE BY CUTTING ?
AND IF THEY THINK THROUGH THAT
IT'S REALLY JUST A FEELING
THAT THEY'RE HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME DEALING WITH.
AND IF THEY CAN THINK THROUGH AND CHALLENGE--
IT'S OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS.
REACHING OUT AND ASKING FOR HELP--
IT IS VERY PAINFUL AT FIRST, AND IT IS VERY SCARY.
BUT IN THE END, IT'S VERY BENEFICIAL.
BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT IN THE WORLD
THAT UNDERSTAND AND CARE, AND CAN HELP YOU WITH THIS.
I'M LEARNING TO ACCEPT MYSELF FOR WHO I AM
THAT'S PART OF WHO I WAS
NOT WHO I'M GOING TO BE AND WHO I'M BECOMING.
WHEN I WOULD SEE THE BLOOD
IT WAS LIKE THE PAIN WAS BEING RELEASED.
MY OUTLET FOR MY PAIN WAS NOT TO FEEL THE PAIN.
I WORKED REALLY, REALLY HARD IN SCHOOL.
I WENT TO A GOOD COLLEGE.
AND THEN I WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.
EMOTIONAL THINGS WEREN'T TALKED ABOUT IN MY FAMILY
SO I DIDN'T HAVE A LANGUAGE FOR TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONAL THINGS.
IT'S A VERY PRIMITIVE FORM OF COMMUNICATION
PEOPLE SEEM TO RESPOND MORE
TO SEEING SOMETHING, SUCH AS A CUT
VERSUS SOMEONE SAYING, "I'M FEELING SAD."
AND PEOPLE THEN RESORT TO, "I HAVE TO SHOW YOU MY PAIN."
AND OUR GOAL HERE IS TO GET THEM TO USE LANGUAGE
INSTEAD OF USING BEHAVIOR TO COMMUNICATE
AND SHOW US WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.
I WOULD GET OUT A RAZOR BLADE
AND I WOULD OFTEN EVEN TAKE WHATEVER--
WHEREVER I WAS GOING TO CUT
AND CLEAN IT WITH AN ALCOHOL SWAB
AND I'D HAVE BANDAGES READY.
FOR MANY CLIENTS, THERE ARE VERY SIGNIFICANT RITUALS.
IT HAS TO BE IN A CERTAIN PART OF THE HOUSE, TIME OF THE DAY
OR IT HAS TO BE WITH A SPECIFIC IMPLEMENT.
I'VE CUT ON MY FACE.
I'VE CUT ON MY NECK.
I'VE CUT ON MY BREASTS AND BURNED ON MY BREASTS.
I'VE CUT ON MY ABDOMEN.
I'VE CUT ON MY UPPER ARMS AND MY LOWER ARMS
AND MY HANDS.
I'VE CUT ON MY THIGHS.
I'VE CUT ON MY LOWER LEGS.
AFTERWARDS, I WOULD JUST FEEL HORRIBLE.
IT WOULD BE LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS.
YOU KNOW, DAMN, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER SCAR.
IT'S GONNA BE STICKING WITH ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THE FIRST STRATEGY THAT WE USE
BY SHIFTING THE RESPONSIBILITY ONTO THE INDIVIDUAL
AND OFF THE TREATMENT TEAM
IS ASKING THEM TO SIGN A "NO HARM" CONTRACT.
THEY ARE ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR INJURING.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY.
CUTTING AND BURNING OFFER A TEMPORARY RELIEF FOR ANXIETY
OR DID.
BUT TOWARDS THE END, IT STOPPED WORKING.
I THINK IT'S LIKE TAKING A DRUG.
YOU NEED HIGHER AND HIGHER DOSES.
WELL, I HAD ALREADY MAXED OUT
AND I WASN'T GETTING OUT OF IT WHAT I NEEDED.
I CUT THREE DAYS BEFORE COMING TO THESAFEPROGRAM.
I WAS TERRIFIED OF LOSING MY COPING MECHANISM.
I WANTED TO DO IT JUST ONE LAST TIME.
IT CREATES A SENSE OF PURPOSE, IDENTITY.
ARE THESE ALL HEALTHY ?
NO.
BEING A SELF-INJURER IS NOT A HEALTHY IDENTITY.
MASTERING ONE'S FRUSTRATION
THROUGH A PHYSICAL DESTRUCTIVE ACT
IT'S A WAY TO SURVIVE.
WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, I TOOK A SHOWER
AND I LOOKED DOWN AT ALL THE SELF-INJURY I HAD DONE.
AND I WAS JUST HORRIFIED.
AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ABUSED
"BY SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE
"AND I DIDN'T DESERVE IT.
SO WHY DO I DESERVE TO BE ABUSED BY ME ?"
AND THAT'S REALLY WHY I WANT TO STOP.
I'M A VALUABLE PERSON.
IT TAKES EVERYTHING; IT SUCKS YOU DRY.
YOU CAN'T GIVE ANYONE ANYTHING.
AND YOU SUCK EVERYTHING ANYONE GIVES YOU AWAY.
I HAD A BOYFRIEND.
WE HAD JUST STARTED GOING OUT
AND HE LEFT FOR A CONCERT WITHOUT ME.
AND I WAS MAD.
AND I CUT HIS INITIALS IN MY ARM.
I FOUND MYSELF ALONE WITH TWO KIDS AND DRINKING.
AND I THOUGHT, I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS TO THEM.
I WENT INTO REHAB
AND WITHIN THREE DAYS, I WAS SELF-INJURING AGAIN.
WE DO GET A NUMBER OF PEOPLE
WHO STATE THAT THEY STARTED SELF-INJURING LATER IN LIFE.
SOME OF THEM START WITH OTHER KINDS OF SELF-INJURY
THAT ARE-- SUBSTANCE ABUSE--
THEY'RE NOT PHYSICAL SELF-INJURY.
IN REACTION TO ANGER, IT'S IMMEDIATE.
IT'S THIS IMMEDIATE FEELING THAT MY SKIN CRAWLS
AND I CAN'T STAND THIS BODY, AND I CAN'T STAND IT.
BUT OTHER DAYS, IT'S LIKE I RUN FROM IT.
I KEEP VERY BUSY.
I'M ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF THIS DEMON
THAT'S RIGHT BEHIND ME.
YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.
STOP FOR A MOMENT WHEN YOU'RE THINKING OF INJURING.
STOP AND THINK WHETHER OR NOT
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE AT THAT MOMENT.
IF I'M IN CONTROL, I ONLY CUT ON MY STOMACH.
THAT'S HOW I HIDE THEM.
THE SCARS, I HIDE WHEN THEY'RE CURRENT.
AS THEY FADE, I DON'T BOTHER ANYMORE.
SOMETIMES, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER BUYING THE RAZOR BLADES.
I USUALLY DO, I USED TO SORT OF HIDE BEHIND THAT.
I WOULD TRY NOT TO REMEMBER.
YOU KNOW, i.e. NO CONSEQUENCES
NO CULPABILITY, NO RESPONSIBILITY.
THE REALITY IS
I THINK I REMEMBER AS MUCH AS I WANTO OF IT.
WE ASK THEM TO START CHALLENGING THEIR DISTORTED THINKING.
IF SOMEONE IS IN A CONSTANT STATE
OF, "I'M BAD; I'M NO GOOD; I'LL NEVER GET BETTER."
THEN THEY'RE NEVER GONNA GET BETTER.
I WANT TO STOP CUTTING MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING.
BUT IT'S A VERY SCARY THING TO GIVE UP.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING ELSE.
THERE'S HOPE.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT UNTIL NOW.
AND THAT NO ONE HAS TO LIVE THIS 25 YEARS THAT I DID.
I ALWAYS HAD THE FEELING
THAT I WANTED SOMETHING MORE FOR MY LIFE.
I WAS IN 14 DIFFERENT INSTITUTIONS
36 TIMES.
AND THROUGHOUT THESE YEARS
THERE WERE SOME STAFF MEMBERS THAT DID SEXUALLY ABUSE ME
AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.
I COULDN'T TELL ANYONE.
I WANTED TO SURVIVE.
PEOPLE WHO SELF-ABUSE REALLY DON'T WANT TO DIE.
THERE IS A SENSE OF ONE REALLY FALLING APART.
THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE, THEY MAKE THAT CLEAR.
ASK THEM, THEY'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE WHEN THEY WANT TO DIE
AND WHEN THEY JUST WANT TO STOP THE EMOTIONAL PAIN.
STOPPING THE SELF-INJURY WAS REALLY DIFFICULT
BECAUSE I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY REASONS TO STOP
FOR ALL THESE YEARS.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUTURE.
I DIDN'T HAVE GOALS.
THERE'S A CONCERN
THAT IF WE GET THE INDIVIDUALS TO STOP SELF-INJURING
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO RELY ON TO TOLERATE THEIR FEELINGS
WILL THEY SUICIDE ?
AND WE FIND THAT THAT'S NOT THE CASE.
THAT, AGAIN, THAT WHEN PEOPLE DO STOP INJURING
THEY GO ON TO HAVE MUCH MORE HEALTHIER, PRODUCTIVE LIVES.
A PERSON HAS TO STOP ON THEIR OWN
AND IT TAKES A LOT OF TRAUMA
TO GET A PERSON HURTING THEMSELVES, I THINK.
I MEAN, I CAN'T IMAGINE MYSELF EVER DOING THAT NOW.
I TOTALLY BELIEVE IN THE RESILIENCY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT.
THIS IS A COPING STRATEGY.
AND ONCE PEOPLE HAVE WORKED THROUGH THEIR WORST FEARS
AND RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM THEM
THAT THEY ACTUALLY CAN WORK THROUGH THEM.
IT'S AMAZING THE TRANSFORMATIONS
AND HOW MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE PEOPLE CAN BE
IN THEIR OWN SKINS.
IT'S AMAZING WHEN SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS
THAT THEY HAVE A CHOICE IN LIFE
DOES LIFE REALLY OPEN UP--
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO SELF-INJURE
I'M TALKING ABOUT EVERYBODY.
WITH SELF-INJURY, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO STAY STUCK WHERE YOU ARE
YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO CHANGE.
I THINK I'VE KNOWN THE ALTERNATIVES ALL ALONG.
I'VE JUST BEEN AFRAID TO USE THEM.
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE SOMEBODY WHO'S WORTHWHILE.
YOU'RE A SPECIAL PERSON.
WHATEVER YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU DESERVE BETTER.
YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE TO WANT TO STOP CUTTING YOURSELF.
THE MESSAGE THAT I HAVE FOR SELF-INJURERS
IS NOT TO GIVE UP ON LIFE.
MY BELIEF IS WHERE THERE'S LIFE, THERE IS HOPE.
AND THAT, IF THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE TREATMENT
THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT OUT THERE.
IF THEY HAVEN'T FOUND SOMEBODY THAT THEY CAN TALK DIRECTLY TO
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE ISN'T SOMEBODY OUT THERE TO TALK TO.
TO NOT GIVE UP
BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS TREATABLE
THIS IS A BEHAVIOR; THIS IS NOT WHO THEY ARE.
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